the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
