Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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