I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
