Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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