My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
