I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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