Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
