Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
