I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
