the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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