i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
