I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
