Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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