new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Randomize
