Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
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my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
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buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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