don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
