Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Every concussion has its silver lining
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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