Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
