She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
