omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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