chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
