I accidentally had phone sex last night
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
