i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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