Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
