when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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