Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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