When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
