It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
