Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
