I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
