Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
this boner is exhausting
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
