even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's blow job season.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
