An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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