he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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