I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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