i wish peter jackson would direct porn
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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