I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
