listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
