My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
