I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
high people should be assigned attendants
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
