And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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