Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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