I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
