Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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