I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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