Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.