Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
