I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
