Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
