I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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