you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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