And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
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and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
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Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night