I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
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the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?