Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
