dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
